February 26, 2017 feels like ages ago yet if I think long enough I can still feel his fingers on my neck and ears. It legit sends shivers down my spine aand all of a sudden I’m there again. Holding my glasses…taking a beating.
I like to refer to the first time that #FTG beat me as the first time and the time we left (where he smashed me bloody in front of the boys) as the last time.
It helps me put a timeline to the chaos and it also makes it clear that this was not something I tolerated or lived with for long.
Now don’t get me wrong, after leaving, I’ve since learned the non-physical abuse is the hardest part to recover + attempt to heal from.
I often tell people I would take a million head butts to the forehead over the words he would say and the life he forced me to believe was mine to live.
You see a man hitting or striking you especially in front of your kids to me was a deal breaker, done. Of course.
But that’s not how it was, he only did everything else… stories for another day.
Growing up catholic it was ingrained in your head that marriage is forever, you “stand by your man” & moms take care of the family. That’s all I knew. Thank you, marriage class in high school. 🤦🏻♀️
I just thought I just picked a bad one and this was my life. A jerk, absent, self absorbed dude that just didn’t know how to be a good human + now this was my husband and father of my boys for better or worse. Seemed mainly worse and it sucked. He sucked. #barf
For YEARS I was so mad at myself. WHY HIM!?
But then I would look at Jax and just knew I was doing something right.
Jaxson was NOT planned, we found out he was coming only 9 months after I even met FTG. The 22-24 year old me was not the best at life decisions. Let’s just leave it at that for now. 😬
I felt like this was the price I pay for having kids without planning, their dad is shit. Now how fucked is that thinking?? Catholic guilt is real, my friends.
When people are just bad on the inside there’s nothing that you can do, there’s nothing that you can ever do to fix them. But I’m a fixer by nature so this failure to fix this very broken and sick man only took its toll on me and my self worth, confidence and overall out look on life. He basically beat me from the inside out.
That all being said it didn’t get violent til the end.
The first time although less bloody was far more traumatizing for me.
It’s was a good 45 minutes possibly more I was choked, pushed, dragged and thrown around. He held me in the air by my throat with my feet just dangling down as he made threats to shoot me and bury me in the backyard. At one point he had his gun and he was heading upstairs with the boys making threats to me. He tried to pull my ears off my actual face, he pulled and yanked on my nose, he pushed his fingers into my rib cage and dug his elbows into my sides. I’m convinced all that was to hurt me but leave less marks. It felt as if he was trying to take my ears and nose off. It’s a feeling I will never forget. At one point he slammed me so hard against the cabinets in the kitchen that a chunk of my hair was hanging from the knob the next day.
During all of this I did nothing. I didn’t fight back. I didn’t yell. I didn’t do anything.
I still sometimes really struggle with this.
Why didn’t I fight him off?
Why didn’t I do more?
I’m feisty. I’m strong. I NEVER would have thought I would go down without a fight. But I did. I didn’t fight. I didn’t yell. I hardly cried or made sounds of the excruciating pain.
I really believe that’s what saved me.
Maybe I did fight?
Staying calm and almost allowing him to do what he did gave me the control he clearly didn’t have. I just calmly would say.
You will never get away with this. There is no way. If you kill me you will go down for this. They will find you. You’re not smart enough to clean up this mess. I’m going to have marks all over. I can still feel your fingers in my face and neck. You will never get away with this.
It was about midnight when this was happening. The boys were upstairs sleeping but I’m still convinced Jax woke and that’s actually what calmed Jason down enough for him to leave.
This had stemmed from a huge series of events, lies and scams by him. He had been staying in a room downstairs since we moved there just one month prior and I was building my plan to leave him.
He had chosen pills and lies for the last time and when he continued to empty our bank act and I couldn’t even pay Carter’s tuition at preschool I had enough.
I was going to leave him + that was that. He knew it was over and between that and my attempts to cut off his access to our money set him out of control. Without access to cash he couldn’t get pills and if you know anything about a pill addict you understand there was no stopping him, the lack of pills and money only enraged + instigated him.
But I needed to stop his spending and stealing from us. I work virtually so all my funds need a bank and I never have cash. Even after cutting up cards, closing acts and hiding my purse every night he would still find ways to get in the bank and take money and leave us with nothing.
I didn’t have money for tampons or food. He left us without our basic needs and to me I didn’t need a deal breaker anymore. I just needed away from him.
The lack of pills pushed him slowly into detox and this is where it all escalated and with quickness.
I said something he misunderstood and before I knew it I was hanging in the air by my neck. I didn’t run or try to get away when he came at me, I was confused, I think. My head still couldn’t grasp that he was capable of physically assaulting me.
It wasn’t til my body was dangling above the 6.3 ft monster and I went into opossum mode did I see the black in his eyes and his empty soul.
I didn’t know what to do. But I knew we were never going to recover from this.